A Continuing Task

Scripture:
"but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live…For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out Abba Father!" Romans 8:12; 15

Observation:
In this verse the structure of the sentence sets the verb "putting" in present progressive tense. That means that it is ongoing. Paul did not set the sentence in past progressive tense to indicate that we had already done it. He did not set it in future progressive tense to indicate that we would take care of it at some point in the future. He structured the use of his words to tell us that putting to death the sinful things that we do is a task that will continually be taking place as long as we are in these bodies.

Application
I am not patient by any definition of the word. If I determine to do something, that means that I intend to do it right now and complete it in its entirety. If I put together a 1,000 piece jig-saw puzzle, I want to do it in one night. If I read a book, I want to read the entire thing in one sitting. If I decide that it is time to leave a place, I have to get out of there right then. It frustrates me to delay the completion of something. I want to do it quickly, completely and with perfection. Anything less than that is considered failure to me. This behavior is a strength of mine. It drives me. It, more than any other motivation, has been used by God to help me succeed in many areas of life. It generates inside of me a sense of urgency about advancing my career, working on my marriage, spending time with my kids, and increasing my abilities. It is a compulsion that is nearly impossible for me to control.

But what has blessed me so much in so many aspects of my life and is definitely a strength of mine; has also cursed me in other aspects of life and causes me great torment. There are certain things that only take place over time and with great patience. I really suck at dealing with these things. When dealing with problems that want go away, I become irrational to the point that I can scare myself and others around me. Anger bubbles up and I will explode. I have a very ugly temper if I ever lose it and nothing sets it off like having to endure something that causes me pain. This tendency makes relationships difficult for me. I want my marriage to be the best that it can be and I want it to happen right now. I want things at work to line up and function as they should and I want it now. I want my kids to obey me, do what I say, and do it now. Now, now, now, now. That is what I hear in my head as I go tearing through the people in my life like a bull in a china shop. I hate that about myself.

This driving force in my life is perhaps its most destructive in my relationship with God. I expect to be perfect and to be so overnight. Anything less than immediate results causes frustration for me and will not stop until I have checked it off my list. The trouble is, I will never be perfected as long as I am part of this world. I will always have weaknesses. I will always slip up. There are struggles that will never go away. This often leaves me feeling like a failure and at times causes me to be gripped by fear, the greatest of which is the fear that I am not really saved.

Prayer
Your word here says that I am no longer subject to fear and I am able to call out to You as my daddy. But I don’t feel that way. When I look in the mirror all that I see are the failures of my flesh that I have not been able to put to death. My fight against them leaves me feeling like a person trying to cover up with a blanket that is too small. No matter how much I pull and tug, I just can't get comfortable enough to rest. Your word in verse 1 of this chapter in Romans says that there is not condemnation for those who have been save. But I don't feel that way either. I condemn myself every night.

I pray that You allow me to see myself as You see me. I live in a constant state of fear of You. Not a healthy fear, but a very nasty fear. I am afraid of what Your reaction to my failures is going to be. In my heart, I know that Your grace is sufficient but my mind just will not accept it. I pray for Your peace to overcome the doubts I have. You and I both know that I am not perfect. We both also know that I struggle each day putting to death the things that do not belong in my life. I am not where I need to be, but I am miles away from where I once was. Teach me to rest in the fact that You are working on me and will keep me in Your Grace until You bring me home.