What was He Thinking?

Scripture:

"Then David the king went in and sat before the LORD and said, 'Who am I, O LORD God, and what is my house that You have brought me this far?'…O LORD, there is none like You, nor is there any God besides You, according to all that we have heard with our ears." 1 Chronicles 17: 16;20

Observation:

Experiencing life with God is the only way to truly learn who God is.

Application:

I am not much of a theologian. As a matter of fact, if I were to get into a theological debate with someone I would get beaten like a one-armed man picking a fight with Mike Tyson. I am also not very good at memorizing scripture. I have tried many times and many different techniques, but none of them seam to really stick. I can get the general idea and remember it later, but a 10 year old from the Bible drill team would humiliate me until I was sitting in a corner crying over the loss of my dignity. In addition to this, I rarely feel capable of praying for people. Sometimes, people will unload what has happened to them and I just think to myself, man that is really bad. They look to me to answer something that I just can't even begin to process. I have more doubts than questions. I have never made it a day without sinning. I lose my temper. I am prone to wonder. The list goes on.

Sometimes I think to myself that God must be crazy. What was He thinking? There are hundreds of people who are better equipped to do what I do. Why did He chose me? Yet, He refuses to let me go. In addition to that He has given me some really unusual talents. In place of theology, He has blessed me with a version of the gospel that is structurally sound, but simplistic in form. Instead of a memory full of verses and their locations; He has given me the ability to relay His message in terms of life application. Instead of the ability to unload a bold and powerful prayer in the moment of crisis; He gifted me with the ability to just sit and cry with suffering people. Instead of taking away my questions He gives me unwavering faith in spite of them. My temper keeps me humble. My wondering ends up deepening my faith. Every wart in my life is used by Him to further His purpose.

There is a certain peace that comes from the realization that all I have done to arrive at where I am is make a lot of mistakes and generally not be very good at anything. The only thing that I have ever been naturally good at is getting back up and trying harder. That is all that I know. But I have to be honest, I like who I am. I am comfortable being me. There is no pride in that, as I review the list above I am reminded that only a fool would be proud of a life that produced those things.

Nevertheless, God is very real to me. I do not know that I could have gotten to that point any other way. I can read all the books on religion. I can get up and practice being a "good" boy all the days of my life. I can spend energy being superficial and fake, but at the end of the day it would only lead me to an empty life. Instead, I would rather keep moving forward and making mistakes. God does not come to life while I sing a song or listen to a message delivered from the pulpit. God comes to life when I follow Him to the edge of my faith and find myself in a position that I have no hope other than for Him to show up. God becomes intimate with me when He enters a mess I have made and walks me out. Then I sing a song because it is already on my heart. I find Him in a message because it helps me change how I live on a daily basis.

Prayer:

There are so many times that I sit and look at other people and feel woefully inadequate. I see their gifts and I become embarrassed. Often, I am not even sure what my gifts are. This has caused me lots of grief. I just wish that You had made me differently. I would like to be a theological genius so that I can answer questions with absolute certainty. I would like to have the Bible memorized so that I could recall anything that I needed. I would like to always have a word of prayer no matter the circumstances. I really want to be complete and perfect. In short, I want to be a man that has no need to rely on You.

That is pride on my part and I confess that to You. Instead, of all the things I would like to be, I just want to rest in what You have made me to be and Your ability to show up and do what only You can. I will face the things that come my way, not because I know that I can handle them; but because I know that You can. You always show up. I have that faith in You. Continue to help me stay engaged with life and do not allow my shortcomings to get the best of me.