A Double Dose of Stubbornness

Scripture:
"The fruit you long for has gone from you, and all things that were luxurious and splendid have passed away from you and men will no longer find them." Revelation 18:14

Observation:
Consequences are no fun. God is patient, but ultimately a day of reckoning comes. Eventually the things that we turn to for pleasure which draw us away from God's will for our life and will usher in God's punishment. He does not enjoy it. In fact, Ezekiel 33 tells us that He takes no pleasure in it and begs us to not do it.

Application:
Stubbornness runs deep in my family. My mom claims that my siblings and I get it from my father, but we all know that she is just as stubborn, if not more so, as is he.

A double dose of stubbornness is both a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing in that I refuse to be broken and I can stand strong in the midst of adversity. I can outlast anyone in an argument. If you try and overtake me with something you better bring it; I promise you I will put up a fight. I am determined in all that I do to not just succeed, but to succeed well.

The curse of a double dose of stubbornness is that I doggedly pursue anything in my sights. Sometimes I target bad things. Things that are not good for me. Habits follow me around like beggars sitting on the corners of every street I cross. Days come when I feel like I just can't refuse them. I constantly hold out hope that maybe they are not that bad. I know that God has told me to stay away from certain things, but maybe I can get away with it this time. He is slow to bring consequences, but the joys of my habits are immediate.

I have yet to figure this part of me out. Why I struggle the way I do with certain areas of my life I will never know. Thoughts. Passions. Pleasures. Memories. Distractions. Escapes. So many things crop up on any given day promising to bring me the relief I so desperately desire. Staying on the straight and narrow is easy; right up to the point that I must deny myself, and then it becomes brutal.

Prayer:
Denying myself stinks. I hate to do it. There is not one fiber of my natural being that embraces saying no to the things that tempt me. I have allowed myself to become to take pleasure in many things and I am totally powerless to move past my memories of them. In many ways I feel like it is pointless to resist them because deep down I sense that they will eventually overtake me.

I really need Your guidance. I am tired. The repetitive pattern of resisting, failing and dealing with guilt has begun to drain me. I desire victory. I want to stand firm but I just feel so weak. Thoughts that I should not have, unmet desires, dreams, ambitions, and boredom all pile up on me and drown me in a violent sea of longing.

I long for more from life than I currently experience. There are days that I feel like I merely exist. I don’t like that feeling. I want to suck the marrow out of life and drink deeply of joy and fulfillment. I feel like Your word makes that available to me, but I just can't seem to do it in a Holy manner.

Teach me how to live with passion, persistence, energy, pleasure, and fulfillment while remaining centered in Your will. I believe that following after You is the best choice for my life. I ask that you help me stand firm and learn that sometimes my gratification must be delayed. Help me to take my pleasure in being obedient and in knowing that better things are always ahead of me.

Forgive my shortcomings as they are many. I thank You for Your grace and I never take it lightly nor do I take pleasure in testing it. I give to You my heart today and trust that the work of Christ on the cross was sufficient atonement for my failings. Guide me today to securely walk in purity and clarity before You.